Lonely

OK. So it's amazing how you can be crushed and yet have a few moments of joy and peace in the same interval. I had fun at work today. I have to admit that. So few people can say that these days, but I'm very fortunate. I played. I ran. I ate mac and cheese, and I even took some home. I finger painted- now you're wondering what the heck I do for a living, aren't you. I work in a preschool. Children bring me joy. They're better friends than adults. I love them so much and they love me back. We share a bond, and there's something about the way I walk into the classroom or walk past the playground and I hear so many little voices screaming joyfully, "Jenifer! Jenifer's here!" and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes I get annoyed because some of the kids cling to me, but then I realize that they need me. Nobody spends time with them. They spend nine hours a day at school while their parents work or go to school, and then on the weekends, I and other girls at the center babysit while their parents either work some more or go out to a party or whatever it is that they need to do. Not to put down anyone. I love the parents of those kids. They're awesome. Just saying that those kids need me right now, and I'm there for them to help them grow.

Well, I'm down right now. Somebody whom I have loved for a long time seems to have either abandoned me or forgotten me or both. It hurts. I've been trying and trying and trying to get in touch with her for a long time. I've contacted her other friends, I've contacted her, I've done everything I can just to say goodbye to her because she's leaving. All I wanted was a chance to say goodbye to her. I will never get over it. It's unreasonable to ask me to do so. Just like those kids need me, I needed her. I can't see why she can't understand that, or perhaps she does but is afraid. I don't know. I can't get her to know either. I have never had real friends before. I have known people at school whom I used to talk to and sometimes even sit with at lunch in junior high or high school, although I usually sat alone, but none of that ever lasted. I tried to keep relationships going, but my efforts failed. They either lost interest or lost connection. I came to college with no friends. I had grown up alone for so long that I was under the impression that I didn't need anybody, although I felt that something was missing. I was craving something that only good friendships could bring, and just when I was starting to look for penpals and E-friends, I came to the university and met wonderful people and things seemed to change. But now I fear that my high school nightmares are coming back. I don't want my friend to go away forever and never contact me again. I am very afraid. I don't know what to do or what to say to make things better or change things. I just don't know. I'm sick of being lonely. I need love. I need a hug. I need somebody to hold me and tell me that things are ok. I need my friend and I don't know where she is... COME BACK TO ME! DON'T LEAVE ME. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU. I NEED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!